I really don't mind making an absolute fool of myself...
At the book launch from two nights ago, I was holding onto a Canon 7D with a mammoth lens on it standing next to a broncolor light watching my girl mingle with the other women mentioned in her book, when I was approached by a young woman asking if I was one of the event photographers; to which I bumbled:
Oh? No, well yeah, I mean I do dabble in photography. But Jess is the photographer, I’m her girl. Shit! I mean, I’m her guy! Well, yeah, I’m the cherry on top…
The stranger burst into loud hearty laughter to which I did as well, how could you not? I then just thought of myself as a hilarious idiot, casually enjoying embarrassing myself with no regard to anything else what-so-ever. Nice work awkward mind, well played.
The elf, the grrrl, the woman, the better-half looks deep into my eyes with sheer terror and shock. They are slightly red, trying to slide away from weeping and darting around desperately trying to comprehend what the hell just happened. I am beside myself, panic is gripping my mind like a cold claw sinking it’s talons into my grey matter. She squeezes my hands strongly whilst she quickly exhales breaths through her semi-winded lungs as she groans in pain about what just happened. Her friend Dani was quick to help, as she raced to her and began examining the damage, whilst applying pressure to her newly formed bruise that appeared on the right side of the grrrrls crown. Dani’s boyfriend Seth was also quick to respond, assisting Dani seamlessly, whilst injecting some comedy to diffuse the already hectic situation. It was working, as under the surface of all of us, we were absolutely shitting fucking bricks!
It’s a common thing though, falling over at full speed on a longboard, hurtling down a parking lot down-ramp, only to meet a death wobble and be thrown into oblivion at the very bottom. Right? I would like to believe so. That moment is now so deeply embedded into my subconscious, that it replays at nausea so frantically every time I close my eyes. And without a doubt, it made me think. I thought about all the times I came home with my wrists sprained, ankles swollen, skin torn and bones broken…. And not worry at all about the feelings of my loved ones, as I fought to survive another day being a teenage punk rebel. They witnessed a great deal, and I never knew the feeling that they would feel each and everytime.
Well… Until today.
The grrl is in good spirits, but she can’t move so fast. Her head is sore and her tailbone was luckily bruised and not fractured. The whole moment of her collision with gravity had torn open a massive wound within me, where I feel I need to try to protect and help her as much as I can, but all I can do is what I can… Even if it is for now nursing her back to health. Maybe I feel partially to blame, but I sure as anything can empathise greatly. But at least I gained a new perspective that makes me feel like I need to apologise to all those I love, that I really managed to place a great deal of stress on everyone for being so destructive. Jeez, what a pain I was (and still am)!
I’m just really beyond and shadow of doubt glad that she is ok, and fighting fit to see another day.
If she doesn't know, then she sure as hell know's now!
We were driving to her house, just to pick up a few items before retreating to my abode. We were fresh from dinner and driving over the Anzac bridge listening to Owen Pallett and Primary, talking about how much has changed in both of our lives over the last few months. It was a conversation that resulted from dinner that continued to the very moment as we were driving over one of the greatest landmarks Sydney has to offer.
The very core truth to it all, was that she took an incredible risk months ago in wanting to partake in our relationship, since where I was hailing from, the past was rocky and financially catastrophic (I’ll fill you in on the saga soon my fellow follower). But once past that hurdle, we have something we both felt so privileged to contain that it became something godly and completely out of this world. So on the way back to her house, in her car, I thought it was the right moment to express my gratitude.
- “Thank-you baby-doll, for it all. I know that a very long time ago you really took a great risk when it came to us, and I know the situation that I was in was a difficult one to endure. But you endured it all, and you were perfect in all ways. You were sympathetic, patient, calm, relaxed, vibrant and ideal at every chance you could be. I know that if you were someone else, you could have been the exact opposite, but you weren’t. You were the right woman for me at each and every moment. And I guess that’s what makes you the grrrl. So, yeah, thank-you”
I really couldn’t describe any truer words without being an absolute blouse, but I felt I made my feelings heard. And sure as hell if she didn’t know then, she sure as hell knows now!
He is at the bank, waiting for his turn to be announced from the automated cue system. His number is one away from being served, and he waits patiently on a flat red recliner. In his hands he has a ticket and a loan release form, filled with financial jargon that his mind cannot properly digest without shrieking for help, something that really isn’t ever in his scope of interest at all. Yet he feels like as if he is on the precipice of being free, to begin a life that he deserves, and the only thing that is holding him back is the very form he contains in his hands.
A bell tolls within the bank, “B 15-12 please proceed to counter….2” exclaims the automated system over loud speakers contained in the ceiling of the branch. He gets up and walks towards the counter where he is met with a bank teller. She is young, most probably in her late 20’s, with hair that is pinned back into a bun and thick glasses in a contemporary frame perched upon the tip of her nose. A professional look amidst a place that quietly extrudes financial dominance.
"Hi, how can I help you?" she asks casually and formally.
"Oh… Yeah, hi, I have this form that I need to fill out, but I’m really stuck, I was hoping you guys could help me out" he asks sheepishly, embarrassed by the situation he has found himself in.
"OK, so this document is to cancel your home-loan account? On what grounds is your loan going to be settled?" the teller asks.
He describes it all, how the defacto relationship he endured spawned a crazy move of buying a house, and that one party is now buying out the other in what might be the only reasonable thing from an unreasonable relationship, one that he never wishes upon anyone, not even his enemies. And finally he describes calmly that this form is the only matter that is holding up the legal process of his freedom; “Uh huh…” she says, slightly perplexed from the situation.
"This must be the hardest part of the whole situation, having to file such paperwork and having to deal with the legalities?" she asks.
He replies almost jokingly and quickly, “I thought the hardest part was having to move all my things out! Do you know how much removalists cost?” She snaps her head up from the paperwork with a slightly shocked look on her face, “Oh….I am so sorry!” she exhales embarrasingly with a hand over her mouth. He is starting to joke about the car accident which was his life a year ago, and it felt good, since now he can move forward to face better days. The lowest point was far behind now, and the highest points are just about to be reached, and he knows within his heart and soul that life is giving him the second chance he needed.