Happiness Lost? Heart Missing?

Each breath, is shallow.
So shallow that his rib cage doesn’t even rise and fall as per normal. So he just continues to lie down, staring at the ceiling whilst unconsciously looking into the abyss. Each spot on the ceiling reminds him of the complexities of the universe, like that unique spot of black on egg shell white walls could be another universe, like how he alone could be a spot on a wall in some other guys house in the universe somewhere. Instantly he feels insignificant, and weak. It’s too dramatic to say as much, but he feels like he is close to death, though he coughs harshly and blurs that thought out of his mind.
He’s just heartbroken, that’s all; he dictates to himself. He has been in this state for a very long amount of time, to which three seasons passed by almost too quickly. Loneliness and heartbreak, he ponders, is what he has and hates to welcome around.
What a dictation, a semi-transparent revelation of human ineptitude.
A dictation that really seems to resonate loudly within himself, like the waves of a large bell that was just struck, it reverberates this force for quite sometime with no sign of decaying.
He slumps over and turns to his side, finally catching a large cold gust of air into his lungs and looks to the side of the bed where she would usually be. A sigh expelled quickly from him, as he brushes his hand across a ghost silhouette of her frame.
He misses her deeply.
The concept of the universe is then dispelled, the world is small; so very small indeed, since he only desires the plot of existence that really mattered to him, the tender embrace of the one.
Memories flood and attack him. The precious moments drenched in sunlight of a time where he felt alive. Her laugh. Her smile. Her eyes. Her unique ways with the world… He adored it and horribly missed it. She was it.
His universe.
“She’ll be back, if i want her. And I… I really do. I just need to get up” he chokes out whilst stiffing harsh tears that stung his nostrils.

He was right.

What he needed was to fight the atrophy and rust that settled on him after she left that fateful day, and shake off the cobwebs of his defeat and become a new man;
The man she once fell in love with.
Because if there ever was anything worth reawakening, it’s the pursuit of love with a destined soulmate. The butterflies when he sees her. The energy of their first kiss.
He didn’t know where the burst of life came from, but he liked it, he threw away his decrepit old self and casually ran a bath and had a shave.

- heart missing?

(Wow. No idea where this came from, but recently I’ve been re-reading a book called “Incendiary” [Chris Cleave] about a woman who loses her family, and I think that has a great amount to do with this latest post)

It’s 6:48pm in the evening. I have found myself sprawled awkwardly on the couch, my head is anchored on the armrest, my back is sinking into the couch and my legs are planted on the floor. I fell onto the couch in this position out of exhaustion from lack of sleep and an attempt to dispel time by hopefully catching a quick nap before having to drive to work. Alas, sleep wasn’t willing to wash over me, as I am exhausted but not tired.

So I just laid there. Just thinking and not moving. My body felt like it was a series of rusted and heavy cables that push a machine around, and it was failing and has fallen into a position to forever remain. I felt just like that, a gutted machine with no urge for repair or movement.

She came from the kitchen and sat on the end of the couch, the part that remains not hijacked from the failed machine that I called my body. She resided and ate, and conversed. I found it hard to continue conversation, the rust that took over my body also took over my mind also. So I just lied there and listened and awkwardly hummed what was answers that made no sense at all.

She came along and planted herself next to me on the couch, within the space that was left, and just embraced me.

No words were spoken at all.

Conversation wasn’t fleeting, it just wasn’t necessary.

I still felt like my physical state was close to having death wash over me, but I knew at that exact moment that I was lucky, happy and hopelessly in love with this girl.

- heart missing?

Messages left under my wallet, early in the morning when I wake before the rest of the world does, is another one of those reasons why she is an amazing grrrrl.

-Heart Missing

The cityscape looks dynamic and surreal, a mess of infrastructure amassed into buildings that scrape the skies easily. The shadows cast during the day collect within the canyons at street level, sweeping an odd cold even on the hottest days. Lit up each night it emanates a halo, it resembles something similar to a macrocosm of success; a value of humanities triumph over centuries of endeavors, a triumph over the grass and nature. Yet the city itself isn’t the buildings, the very buildings that overpower and crush all who dare look upon from the ground-floor of civilisation. No, the buildings remain just the structures, mere stages for the actors who live, breathe and act out stanzas amongst it.

Us.

Within these streets I walk, and look upon these spectacles. I feel like another face among the crowd, nothing special and sacred, just another being walking from point A to B. Another actor partaking in the cities finest act, another day in the modern world. The first acts I push through, never minding the ebb and flow of this life and how it truly revolves. Yet, my mind can’t shake the feeling of it all being superficial and unrealistic, even if it is reality and the life we had all chosen. The act is coming to a close, and I choose not to be part of it. I feel the revolt within my being, yet never really decided to take the plunge.

Lives have a tendency to phase out when ignored or pursued without intent, and this trap I almost fell into the cracks with, casually wasting the days into obscurity whilst perusing the bleak streets of this city stage. Luckily for me, I’ve been awoken from the perpetual haze that had descended on me, and escaped from the stage show that was my life and this city. It would be contrary to believe that I was given another chance, but that’s exactly what it was. A new opportunity to shake the callouses that set over my impedance, and to set forth in a new direction within the stage of this city. Could it be luck? No. It was love. I’m sure of it, as I had fallen and chosen never to pull myself back up again.

She took my hand and showed me something that I missed. She is confident and curious, a refreshing perspective on amazement and knowledge itself. She showed me things that I had ignored and forgotten among my world and her own. The angles of reflection, the depths of passion within the streets, the calm of leaving it all. It was the world that I explored and came to enjoy and adore. Something free. Something truly unique.

I was given a new chance to live, away from the spectacle, the one she led me to.

-Heart Missing?

She looks upon me with the eyes that a lover contains,

a warmth and passion that none other can imitate;

a fleeting moment within the here and now that is timeless.

I honestly wish I could stop time and live within that gaze,

forever fortifying the notion of true ideal happiness.

Getting lost within her eyes, those of a lover,

is a simple retreat that I indulge in whenever I can.

I really hope she doesn’t mind,

and that she pardons me when I stare.

- Heart Missing?

This morning, I’ve just had fleeting thoughts of my 10 year high school reunion. I’m definitely looking forward to the characters that welded themselves together at an institution of mutual boredom, since we’re all the same formula of inmates at a place that was not entirely dissimilar to that of a mental ward. And all those characters casually found their ways into my heart. Oddly what followed this thought pattern was the conversations in relation to “What have you been doing these past 10 years?”

I was deep in conversation, driving to work before the sun rises, with no-one at all. I was rambling off everything I had accomplished and achieved, I was dictating my exploits and near misses, my failures and my successes. I was philosophising about the future and what I plan from the ashes of what I had created. If anyone was driving beside me, they would just see a guy having an upbeat conversation with no-one at all and automatically assume that he’s almost crazy. Almost, that’s a laugh.

Yet, I feel that if I was asked what I’ve been doing these past few years, I’ll gladly answer with “making dumb mistakes before making the best one in my whole entire life”. Could it be about love? Could it be about life? Could it be about happiness? It’s about all of the above. Either way, at this point in my existence, is the most positive and ideal moment…

And in all reality, that’s all anyone should really know, right?

- Heart missing?

And again, sorry about the time between posts, I’ve been both busy and hilariously lazy. Forgiveness please?